(Old update)

Today was different.
In the morning I had some time with God alone and reread my letter from God to me. I started crying and smiling and felt great. Then I played some music for God and went to read my book some.

In class, Christian G spoke about some deep stuff. This guy is a genius. Actually.

We spoke a bunch about language and then about or inner narrative.. I came to a realization that I am very insecure, I put up walls against people and don’t accept friends due to fears and insecurity.
I am lonely.
I have masked that lonely word with the word “solitude” for a long time. I had concluded that I only need God and nobody else in my life. if they are to be distant I would dismiss them with haste.
I want friends but at the same time I am scared. It is easy to push people away. Do I really need friends though?

I have cried a lot today. I’ve been searching so hard for affirmation over and over by my actions toward people and not realized that God is the only affirmation I should be seeking.

I’m not sure what the future holds. I know I want to get out of my head though and into my heart. How do I choose to lose control? Even that statement is controlling a loss of control through thinking in my mind… I don’t understand